I have friends who have left and those who have stayed. And few who have come back.
But I can't quite relate to the theme in this article of a certain inferiority-complex of those who stayed back. Backpacking through Europe isn't really something exclusive to people moving out (especially the ones on temp visas, which is practically almost all of them). And moving out for the sake of getting a masters from a western country doesn't mean much - unless you're chasing the Crème de la crème schools, and people who have that option would've done just as well in India tbh.
If there's anything that makes me want to move out the most is the pace with which innovation happens outside India. And thing that makes me want to stay is the freedom that I enjoy as a citizen of this country - the fact that I won't be thrown out of the country if I don't have a job for X number of days, or inability to switch jobs easily, or just randomly quit. Or that a single election suddenly won't just throw me out of the country. Family isn't the only reason to stay back - freedom, in my opinion, is the main reason to stay.
I'm not global. But I don't feel so tortured by it. I stayed. I stayed because I wanted to give myself the opportunity to do something for the place, to fix it a little, to make it slightly better. Not sure, if I will be able to make it any better, but if I left, I surely won't be able to. That would be a regret I'd not be able to wash down. So I stayed. I really wouldn't care about being global or being left out in a conversation about coffee shops in a city far off. Life is more than consumption and pretentious conversation about the said consumption.
reading this made me release a sigh of relief. maybe because I relate too hard to this or maybe because I wanted someone to reassure me that staying isn't compromising. tomorrow I might be confused again, but then ig I will think about this post and remind myself that wherever I go there would be compromises, there would be perks. I just need to decide what am I ready to let go and what I need to hold onto.
You know, since writing this piece, and seeing the kind of response it got, and how many people either resonated with it (or had strong opposing opinions), I’ve asked myself—am I really 100% okay with my decision? And I think the truth is, the confidence, calmness, and peace wrt this decision (and most others) is very fluid in nature, never fixed. Right now I feel good about it, settled even, but I know there will be days where the doubt will definitely creep up again (and in forms I’m sure I cannot even anticipate yet).
But yes, realizing that literally no decision comes without its compromises/cons and that we can never make one optimal decision free of absolutely any challenges or opportunity cost is one of the wisest things ever. Helps us make the best of whatever decision we make.
“I just need to decide what am I ready to let go and what I need to hold onto.”
I mean I try but I cannot understand the headspace where if given the option to enjoy higher quality of life factors across most things you’d still make the choice to stick here
Now if there’s no option fair enough u never understood people bankrupting themselves to go outside either
Thank you sharing your thoughts in this well-written post.
People move for different reasons but whatever they choose, one shouldn’t feel shame for doing so either way.
I’m from the UK and now in the US and I can tell you from experience of travelling for years that an expat life has its costs too.
You’re always this person that’s doesn’t quite fit in and when you go home, you’re a stranger that no longer belongs.
People move on regardless of where you place of yourself in their lives. The real question is, are you staying stuck or moving forward in your own mind?
Where I live now, there is a large Indian community, many here for work or studies. I speak to them and learn about their “American dream” and honestly I’m left wondering if they try are truly better off here or would have been if they stayed.
Either way, what works for one person absolutely has no bearing on another.
Who’s to say how things would have turned out had you left too.
It's reassuring to hear from expats like you that everything in life indeed has its pros and cons -- and that the rose-tinted version social media tries to sell of certain lives/choices is just not accurate. There's much more nuance to these things.
"People move on regardless of where you place of yourself in their lives. The real question is, are you staying stuck or moving forward in your own mind?"
This is a realization I've come to over the years too, as slow as it may have been. So important to remember this fact!
And for sure -- there's no guarantee how things will work out, every little step leads to an iteration of our lived reality and before we take it we cannot know how it will go.
Well expressed dilemma of to be or not to be....I love the last bit of being the arm chair traveller. My nearest family members returning to India after short and long bouts of stay abroad, regardless of first world or third world countries, speak of the comforts we experience in India - in no small terms..and given an option (and money too) they say that they would love to roll (literally) on the ground/grass that India offers as their homeland
This is such a well-written article. Amazing work!
I left India 11 years ago. About six years in, I decided it wasn’t the right place for me, mostly for health reasons. Clean air, the freedom to travel, better managers at work, and the independence to live on my own terms were all part of the equation.
Still, my friends and I often debate whether it’s all worth it. Many of them moved abroad with me and are now planning to return to India. Some already have. Most often, it’s to be closer to family. But there’s also a sense of freedom they feel back home: not being tied to a sponsored visa, not having to justify their presence. And, of course, the comfort of “service”, not having to cook or do the dishes. I find that part of the argument a bit sad.
I believe everyone should leave their hometown and live away from their parents, whether in India or abroad. It shifts your mindset. It gives you a different lens to see the world through. I know not everyone is privileged to do so, but it’s the advice I give all my younger cousins heading off to college.
But most importantly, your article gave me a new perspective, especially on friends who never left. Even I have left touch with some of my friends because of time zones. I had also never considered what it’s like to be left out of conversations simply because you haven’t traveled to some city. Thank you!
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts + journey, Tapan :)
I'm so glad to hear that this essay was able to give you a new perspective on the friends back home who never left.
And I totally agree with you about the importance of leaving one's hometown and staying away from parents -- such an essential part of "adulting". I only had that for about a year before I had to move back but even that brief period allowed me to explore myself independent of my echo chamber and my safety net and it's an experience I'd never want to trade!
And, yes, oh my gosh! I totally agree with you. A few years ago when I was writing my final essay for my Korean language certification, I had to write a self-introduction. Of course writing and its importance for me slipped into that and I wrote about how I want to write the kind of things that make people feel seen, a little less lonely, and leave them with a sense of warmth.
So compliments like these? They make me feel like I’m living my writing dream.
I loved this essay! Sadly I am one of those NRIs who never lived in India but have a very rose tinted view of it - seen mainly through the nostalgia of my childhood trips back home :) Now I am giving a lot of thought to whether I can cultivate an authentic relationship to India that isn't refracted through Bollywood movies or my parents' stories of what India used to be like.
Your self-awareness is so refreshing. You know, even if your relationship to India is through the lens of your parents' stories + Bollywood + your childhood trips, it's still authentic in a way since it's your lived experience and that's unique.
And I'm sure it will build further if and when you take more trips to India as an adult xx
True! I will also say that since immigration is such a fundamental part of the Indian experience (not just to the US and Europe, but also to the Gulf, to the West Indies, Fiji etc) and India itself has been influenced and impacted so deeply by its diaspora population, I personally think we sometimes get too hung up on a false dichotomy between born-and-bred Indians and NRIs.
This is so touching! Even my childhood dream was to leave but it never panned out and I spent a few years being depressed because of the FOMO. But you helped me see how staying is a privilege as well. Thank you so much for that! And even though life didn't turn out like the childhood plan, it still turned out great and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I am so soothed to know that my words could help you see staying as a privilege :)
And yes! The FOMO and the associated depression and blues are real, especially if it was always something you wanted to do :/ But I am so glad that you are happy with how things turned out irrespective! Wishing you love and light, no matter where you are.
I have friends who have left and those who have stayed. And few who have come back.
But I can't quite relate to the theme in this article of a certain inferiority-complex of those who stayed back. Backpacking through Europe isn't really something exclusive to people moving out (especially the ones on temp visas, which is practically almost all of them). And moving out for the sake of getting a masters from a western country doesn't mean much - unless you're chasing the Crème de la crème schools, and people who have that option would've done just as well in India tbh.
If there's anything that makes me want to move out the most is the pace with which innovation happens outside India. And thing that makes me want to stay is the freedom that I enjoy as a citizen of this country - the fact that I won't be thrown out of the country if I don't have a job for X number of days, or inability to switch jobs easily, or just randomly quit. Or that a single election suddenly won't just throw me out of the country. Family isn't the only reason to stay back - freedom, in my opinion, is the main reason to stay.
Glad you cannot relate to the theme of this personal essay, Vipin. Must feel a lot lighter! Thanks for reading though :)
I'm not global. But I don't feel so tortured by it. I stayed. I stayed because I wanted to give myself the opportunity to do something for the place, to fix it a little, to make it slightly better. Not sure, if I will be able to make it any better, but if I left, I surely won't be able to. That would be a regret I'd not be able to wash down. So I stayed. I really wouldn't care about being global or being left out in a conversation about coffee shops in a city far off. Life is more than consumption and pretentious conversation about the said consumption.
I'm glad you feel that way and that there's such surety and peace surrounding your decision!
Thanks for reading and good luck with your mission :)
May you find peace as well. May you use your ability to write to make our country better, so that people don't feel like leaving.
Wow, thank you, Samir! I would definitely love do be able to do that.
Having decided to stay back, I, too, sometimes think about whether it was the right decision.
This post was very relatable.
Loved reading it !
I'm glad you enjoyed reading this ^^
And high five on both staying back and being a Capricorn!
reading this made me release a sigh of relief. maybe because I relate too hard to this or maybe because I wanted someone to reassure me that staying isn't compromising. tomorrow I might be confused again, but then ig I will think about this post and remind myself that wherever I go there would be compromises, there would be perks. I just need to decide what am I ready to let go and what I need to hold onto.
You know, since writing this piece, and seeing the kind of response it got, and how many people either resonated with it (or had strong opposing opinions), I’ve asked myself—am I really 100% okay with my decision? And I think the truth is, the confidence, calmness, and peace wrt this decision (and most others) is very fluid in nature, never fixed. Right now I feel good about it, settled even, but I know there will be days where the doubt will definitely creep up again (and in forms I’m sure I cannot even anticipate yet).
But yes, realizing that literally no decision comes without its compromises/cons and that we can never make one optimal decision free of absolutely any challenges or opportunity cost is one of the wisest things ever. Helps us make the best of whatever decision we make.
“I just need to decide what am I ready to let go and what I need to hold onto.”
Also very wise. I think we will be fine :)
Some post read ‘Our aim is to leave the country or move to gated community and then proclaim that our country is the greatest in the world’
Ah, that’s biting! But also so very true!
i would leave right away if things were easy. i wouldn't miss the culture nor the people or anything that makes one feel like home.
parents, paisa, passport. cannot describe an indian’s life better
Haha, thank you for summarising it this way—made me laugh out loud! (and it’s so true!)
I mean I try but I cannot understand the headspace where if given the option to enjoy higher quality of life factors across most things you’d still make the choice to stick here
Now if there’s no option fair enough u never understood people bankrupting themselves to go outside either
this was such a beautiful read, i can relate to every point you've mentioned – feels like someone articulated my thoughts :)
Yay, I'm glad this resonated so well with you, Aditya ^^
Thank you sharing your thoughts in this well-written post.
People move for different reasons but whatever they choose, one shouldn’t feel shame for doing so either way.
I’m from the UK and now in the US and I can tell you from experience of travelling for years that an expat life has its costs too.
You’re always this person that’s doesn’t quite fit in and when you go home, you’re a stranger that no longer belongs.
People move on regardless of where you place of yourself in their lives. The real question is, are you staying stuck or moving forward in your own mind?
Where I live now, there is a large Indian community, many here for work or studies. I speak to them and learn about their “American dream” and honestly I’m left wondering if they try are truly better off here or would have been if they stayed.
Either way, what works for one person absolutely has no bearing on another.
Who’s to say how things would have turned out had you left too.
Thank you, Naz! :)
It's reassuring to hear from expats like you that everything in life indeed has its pros and cons -- and that the rose-tinted version social media tries to sell of certain lives/choices is just not accurate. There's much more nuance to these things.
"People move on regardless of where you place of yourself in their lives. The real question is, are you staying stuck or moving forward in your own mind?"
This is a realization I've come to over the years too, as slow as it may have been. So important to remember this fact!
And for sure -- there's no guarantee how things will work out, every little step leads to an iteration of our lived reality and before we take it we cannot know how it will go.
You have a maturity in your understanding Hargun and I’m confident you’ll figure your next steps.
It’s been a pleasure connecting with you 😊
Well expressed dilemma of to be or not to be....I love the last bit of being the arm chair traveller. My nearest family members returning to India after short and long bouts of stay abroad, regardless of first world or third world countries, speak of the comforts we experience in India - in no small terms..and given an option (and money too) they say that they would love to roll (literally) on the ground/grass that India offers as their homeland
Haha, that last bit made me chuckle! Thanks for sharing ^^
And quite like the term ‘armchair traveller’ :)
This is such a well-written article. Amazing work!
I left India 11 years ago. About six years in, I decided it wasn’t the right place for me, mostly for health reasons. Clean air, the freedom to travel, better managers at work, and the independence to live on my own terms were all part of the equation.
Still, my friends and I often debate whether it’s all worth it. Many of them moved abroad with me and are now planning to return to India. Some already have. Most often, it’s to be closer to family. But there’s also a sense of freedom they feel back home: not being tied to a sponsored visa, not having to justify their presence. And, of course, the comfort of “service”, not having to cook or do the dishes. I find that part of the argument a bit sad.
I believe everyone should leave their hometown and live away from their parents, whether in India or abroad. It shifts your mindset. It gives you a different lens to see the world through. I know not everyone is privileged to do so, but it’s the advice I give all my younger cousins heading off to college.
But most importantly, your article gave me a new perspective, especially on friends who never left. Even I have left touch with some of my friends because of time zones. I had also never considered what it’s like to be left out of conversations simply because you haven’t traveled to some city. Thank you!
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts + journey, Tapan :)
I'm so glad to hear that this essay was able to give you a new perspective on the friends back home who never left.
And I totally agree with you about the importance of leaving one's hometown and staying away from parents -- such an essential part of "adulting". I only had that for about a year before I had to move back but even that brief period allowed me to explore myself independent of my echo chamber and my safety net and it's an experience I'd never want to trade!
Thanks for writing this, Hargun. It moved me and made me feel seen. IMO that's the whole point of art/writing—to make one feel more than oneself.
Thank you for reading, Aman :)
And, yes, oh my gosh! I totally agree with you. A few years ago when I was writing my final essay for my Korean language certification, I had to write a self-introduction. Of course writing and its importance for me slipped into that and I wrote about how I want to write the kind of things that make people feel seen, a little less lonely, and leave them with a sense of warmth.
So compliments like these? They make me feel like I’m living my writing dream.
I'm glad :) Please keep writing!
I loved this essay! Sadly I am one of those NRIs who never lived in India but have a very rose tinted view of it - seen mainly through the nostalgia of my childhood trips back home :) Now I am giving a lot of thought to whether I can cultivate an authentic relationship to India that isn't refracted through Bollywood movies or my parents' stories of what India used to be like.
Thank you! :D
Your self-awareness is so refreshing. You know, even if your relationship to India is through the lens of your parents' stories + Bollywood + your childhood trips, it's still authentic in a way since it's your lived experience and that's unique.
And I'm sure it will build further if and when you take more trips to India as an adult xx
True! I will also say that since immigration is such a fundamental part of the Indian experience (not just to the US and Europe, but also to the Gulf, to the West Indies, Fiji etc) and India itself has been influenced and impacted so deeply by its diaspora population, I personally think we sometimes get too hung up on a false dichotomy between born-and-bred Indians and NRIs.
Just my two cents.
Hey you've gained a sub!
Thanks for reading (and subscribing), Abhimanyu! :)
This is so touching! Even my childhood dream was to leave but it never panned out and I spent a few years being depressed because of the FOMO. But you helped me see how staying is a privilege as well. Thank you so much for that! And even though life didn't turn out like the childhood plan, it still turned out great and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I am so soothed to know that my words could help you see staying as a privilege :)
And yes! The FOMO and the associated depression and blues are real, especially if it was always something you wanted to do :/ But I am so glad that you are happy with how things turned out irrespective! Wishing you love and light, no matter where you are.